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Department of Mysteries Interoffice Research Paper


The Hairy Potter Timeline
No Departmental Action Deemed Necessary Regarding the Teen Werewolf Timeline
By Dr. Rip VanHinklemeyer
(Department of Time Mysteries, Chief Research Unspeakable)



Executive Summary

The Department of Mysteries has completed our 14-year study into the retroactively approved time leap1 of Hermione Granger and Harry Potter that occurred in June of 1994. This study looked closely into the serious questions related to the primary timeline that exists involving the Werewolf Harry Potter (the Hairy Timeline). Detailed background that explains the formation of the Hairy Timeline is provided. In laymen’s terms, the Hairy Timeline resulted from the first loop of the time leap when the Werewolf Remus Lupin bit Harry Potter and Sirius Black received the Dementor’s Kiss. The history of the Hairy Timeline has been researched fully and is outlined herein. The Department had two outstanding questions revolving around this Timeline, which we have been able to answer through our research. These questions are as follows: (1) Have the other rapidly expanding, yet nearly identical, timelines been successfully recoupled? We conclude that they have. (2) Does the Ministry have an obligation to magically alter the Hairy Timeline? We conclude that no further Ministry action is necessary at this time.


Scientific Background

Lay witches and wizards often believe, erroneously, that time is nonlinear. In fact, our office clearly established the linear nature of time in a 1940 research paper entitled, “If It Looks Like a Snitch and It Flies Like a Snitch, It’s a Snitch.” 2 This groundbreaking research by Drs. A. Turner, B. Inverso, X. Momentum, and K. Every established that the perceived forward motion of time is actually the correct motion of time. Dr. Turner stated: “Who would have guessed that time actually works in just the way people experience it? It is utterly mind blowing!” 3

For this reason, when time travel occurs, our office is charged with researching the far-reaching implications. With a backward leap in time, the timeline splinters into infinitely growing timelines. Such fractures are dangerous to the space-time continuum and could rupture if left unattended. Dr. Momentum once described our duties by saying, “And, with wands in hand, we whack the timelines down like a giant game of whack-a-mole! It’s like controlling the spread of breeding bunnies!” 4 Our department mends all such fractures by using the relatively simple spell: Watchime Synchronohump.

The events of June 1994 caused just such a rupture and resulted in a primary timeline, the Hairy Timeline, that deviated from the other timelines with dangerous implications. The perception of events that occurred in timelines two and beyond was identical and easily mended. But in the Hairy Timeline, the perception of the parties involved deviated significantly. We were able to easily rejoin timelines two and beyond, but the Hairy Timeline was just too much work to fix.

Most lay witches and wizards cannot grasp this complex concept. One past Minister of Magic coined our departmental motto when trying in vain to understand our work, shouting, “Dolores! Bring me something for this headache!” 5 So our department acknowledges it may be impossible for most readers to follow this. Still, we will attempt to convey what occurred to start the Hairy Timeline.


The Hairy Timeline

In our current timeline, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger perceive their time leap as identical during both the first pass and the second pass. No events appear to be altered. Instead, the second time through, their presence simply mediates events that they perceive as already having occurred. This is the result of the joining of the identical timelines (numbers two and beyond). In timeline one, however, the events occurred far differently.

First of all, the werewolf Remus Lupin bit Harry Potter (Hairy) that night. This occurred because when the Hippogriff Buckbeak was put to death, Hagrid dug a large grave near the Whomping Willow. When Lupin transformed into a werewolf that night, Black was prevented from protecting Hairy from him because he inadvertently tripped and fell into Buckbeak’s grave. After being bitten by Lupin, Hairy was nearly subjected to the Dementor’s Kiss; however, Severus Snape rescued him. Sadly, Snape did not have time to save Black from the same terrible fate (though some in our office wonder, “Or did he?”). If Severus Snape had not saved Hairy, then Hairy would not have been able to return to save himself. It was only due to the instructions of ingenious Headmaster Albus Dumbledore that events were repaired to their present state.

During our research, we interviewed Hairy Potter on several occasions. In the first, we asked him what enabled him to cast his powerful Patronus Charm that saved himself and his godfather from the Dementor’s Kiss, as he had never performed such impressive magic before. He replied, “I knew I had to cast that Patronus Charm… I mean, I had to save Sirius and all… but, also, I just couldn’t bear to be saved by Severus Snape a second time!”

This repair of the events in the future timelines prevented Harry from being bitten the second time through the time loop and allowed him to save himself and Black from the Dementor’s Kiss. This office can neither confirm nor deny Harry’s involvement in the escapes of the Hippogriff Buckbeak and Sirius Black later that same night.

Ethically, alternate timelines that result in the destruction of the wizarding world must be fixed for the sake of wizarding kind.6 Because of this, we explored what occurred in the alternate timeline and asked ourselves: Does Hairy Potter vanquish the Dark Lord, Voldemort?


Hairy Potter Orders a Phoenix

Interestingly, the return of the Dark Lord was delayed by nearly one full year due to the transformation of Harry Potter into Hairy Teen Werewolf in the alternate timeline. The Dark Lord spent most of 1994 and early 1995 trying, and failing, to get the full prophecy concerning himself and Harry out of our department. He delayed the transformation that regenerated his body because he appears to have felt the prophecy held answers to the question: How dangerous is Hairy Teen Werewolf to the Dark Lord? Despite attempts, with the soulless Sirius Black unable to act as bait, Voldemort was not able to lure Hairy to the Hall of Prophecies. Thus, there was no resulting Ministry break-in.

It appears that the young werewolf spent most of his fourth year at Hogwarts eating anything and everything raw and bloody that was available to him. This was preferable to the suffering he experienced in our timeframe because he was not involved in the terribly stressful Triwizard Tournament. (Incidentally, Cedric Diggory, who survived and later went on to become a very popular male model, won the tournament that year.) However, Hairy’s eating habits were quite legendary and, in fact, one of his last meals in his fourth year at Hogwarts (Dumbledore’s pet phoenix, Fawkes) played an important role in his death-defying escape from the Dark Lord in his fifth year.


Hairy Potter Gobbles Fire

Eventually, the Dark Lord was forced to carry out his plan for resurrecting a body. He was foolish when he used Hairy Potter’s blood to do so, for the young werewolf passed his curse to Voldemort, who seemed to erroneously believe this would make him stronger. But Voldemort couldn’t transform soon enough to prevent Hairy from gobbling the curses the Dark Lord cast against him shortly after his resurrection. The powers of a werewolf are dangerous and daunting, and no curse could hurt Hairy that night. Of note: Hairy’s lack of knowledge of phoenix lore really made for an interesting surprise for the Dark Lord. An explosion of flame from Hairy’s mouth preceded the entire reborn body of Fawkes, which assaulted the Dark Lord and allowed Hairy to escape. One witness to the event said, “Boy, You-Know-Who was not expecting that!”


Hairy Potter’s Bloody Prints

Later, Dumbledore succumbed to the same lure of the Peverell Ring as he did in our timeframe. Facing death, but realizing that Severus Snape was the only person who could make the Wolfsbane potion that Hairy needed to stay under control, Dumbledore decided on a very different path to solve his many problems. When Draco Malfoy threatened him on the Astronomy Tower, Dumbledore chose to jump from the battlements in a brave suicide that ended the power of the Elder Wand for good. Severus Snape then broke the wand on the spot, saying, “That was easy!”

Unfortunately, Hairy mauled and murdered Draco in a fit of rage. It is said that, on dark nights in the Astronomy Tower, you can still make out the ghostly, bloody prints tracked onto the stones by Hairy Teen Werewolf, after he murdered Draco. Hairy was not prosecuted for this crime, however. Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour said, “All’s fair in love and war! Draco simply picked the wrong side.”


Hairy Potter’s Deathly Howls

Headmaster Severus Snape then helped Hairy destroy all the Horcruxes and also passed the valuable information Hairy needed to rid himself of the Dark Lord’s soul fragment that resided inside his head. This was far easier than the experiences of Harry Potter in our timeframe, who, with the help of surly teenagers Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger, lived on the run, suffered at the brink of starvation, and faced impossible odds.

Witnesses viewed the deathly, howling showdown between Hairy and the Dark Lord with curiosity. One unidentified witness said, “Ze ’owling was so confusing. I ’ad no idea what zey were saying to each uzzer, zey might as well ’ave made ze exchange in Parseltongue. I still ’aven’t figured out why ’airy’s simple Expelliarmus Curse was able to destroy You-Know-’Oo.” Another said, “Yes, it’s wonderful that Thingy was defeated but ... the blood exchange between the two of them … I just don’t get it. So Hairy was a werewolf and protected by his mother’s sacrifice? It’s all so confusing!” Hairy himself even said, “I’m not sure exactly what happened, but boy am I glad that’s over!”


Summary

When asked about the defeat of the Dark Lord, Headmaster Severus Snape is on record as saying, “Mr. Potter did more than I was expecting.” He must have been more impressed than his words reflect because, in later years, he hired Hairy to work as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, saying, “A precedent for werewolf instructors was set by my predecessor and, obviously, I am simply following it now.” This observation reflects another interesting feature of the Hairy Timeline. Becoming a werewolf is steadily growing more fashionable. One dreamy, blond girl with protuberant eyes, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Well, it’s just so sexy … in an animalistic kind of way.” We have concluded that as wizardkind is flourishing in the Hairy Timeline, we can relax. However, we will keep an eye on things in the unlikely event that becoming a werewolf simply grows too popular. Dr. Inverso, Emeritus Research Unspeakable, said recently, “We can’t have a timeline of entirely werewolf wizards! We must watch this Hairy Potter carefully, he is just too cool for his own good.”


Notes

1. Minister Shacklebolt approved this time leap retroactively in 1999.

2. Turner, et. al., “If It Looks Like a Snitch and It Flies Like a Snitch, It’s a Snitch!”

3. Turner, et. al., “If It Looks Like a Snitch and It Flies Like a Snitch, It’s a Snitch!”

4. Momentum, “What Do Time Unspeakables Actually Do?”

5. Fudge, during a conversation overheard by the author.

6. Shacklebolt, “Guidelines of the Responsible Civil Servant.”


Bibliography

Turner, A., B. Inverso, X. Momentum, & K. Every. “If It Looks Like a Snitch and It Flies Like a Snitch, It’s a Snitch!” Unspeakably Unfathomable, 1940.

Momentum, X. “What Do Time Unspeakables Actually Do?” Presentation made at the 333rd Annual Department of Mysteries Convention in Amsterdam, 1990.

Shacklebolt, K. “Guidelines of the Responsible Civil Servant.” Ministry of Magic, London, 1999.


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2 Comments

 Loader Lady
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Naomi
Posted by Naomi on April 16, 2008, 07:11 AM report to moderator