Just who is the elusive Lord Voldemort? As Harry Potter fans, many of us exist under the false belief that we know the answer to this question. However, we actually have precious little information about the Dark Lord. Sure, we have heard vague rumors and glimpsed misty old memories about his background, his parents, and his upbringing. But even Dumbledore admits that Voldemort is an enigma, stating "I doubt whether there is a soul alive, apart from himself, who could give us a full account of his life since he left Hogwarts." 1 Therefore, we as mere readers know virtually nothing about the man ¦ or do we?
What if Voldemort is actually an international celebrity, photographed and known by billions of people throughout the world? Furthermore, what if Voldemort is much funkier than he is portrayed in the books, has a smooth voice and awe-inspiring moves on the dance floor? That's right ’ the shocking truth can finally be revealed: Pop music icon Michael Jackson, and the evil wizard Lord Voldemort are the same person. Though it may seem incredible, this fact becomes obvious when all the evidence is examined.
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
The King of Pop, Moonwalker, Wacko Jacko, Captain EO. We know Michael Jackson by many different names, and indeed this is our first clue that we may be dealing with more than meets the eye. How many people can claim this many multiple monikers? I can only think of one: Tom Riddle. He has been referred to as Lord Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The Dark Lord, and You-Know-Who. Clearly, the name Michael Jackson is just another of the Dark Lord's mysterious pseudonyms.
In Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, readers are shown another obvious clue that the pop superstar and the evil wizard are one and the same when Voldemort's army of dead bodies, or Inferi, are described:
[...] many more Inferi were already climbing onto the rock, their bony hands clawing at its slippery surface, their blank, frosted eyes upon him, trailing waterlogged rags, sunken faces leering.2
Surely we are all aware of Jackson's work with Inferi who meet the exact same description, as evidenced by his world famous "Thriller" video. Cunningly hiding behind the "lovable pop star" persona has enabled Voldemort to blatantly flaunt his association with Inferi, even going so far as to choreograph elaborate dance numbers with his own personal army of dead bodies!
In addition to frolicking with corpses, Jackson has also been known to have a close relationship with his exotic pets such as boa constrictors. (Has Nagini been dwelling at the Jackson estate all this time?) The Dark Lord of Pop also sang a famous ballad in the 1970s called "Ben" ’ yes, it was a song about a rat! 3 Was this merely his way of sending a shout-out to his most loyal animagus?
Man in the Mirror
Some of the most startling proof can be found by comparing the physical descriptions of Voldemort with images of Jackson.
Where there should have been a back to Quirrell's head, there was a face, the most terrible face Harry had ever seen. It was chalk white with glaring red eyes and slits for nostrils, like a snake.4
Whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes and a nose that was flat as a snake's with slits for nostrils¦.5
It was as though his features had been burned and blurred; they were waxy and oddly distorted [...] and his face was as pale as the snow glistening on his shoulders.6
In fact, all descriptions of Voldemort could easily be mistaken for descriptions of Jackson. As a youngster, Riddle was often called "dark" and "handsome" 7 (Jackson "good looking" 8), yet his features were gradually transformed into a thin, pallid, "masklike" 9 face.
Not only do the King of Pop and the Dark Lord share the same facial features, but their vocal tones are also eerily similar. Many times throughout the Harry Potter series, Voldemort's is described as having a "high, cold voice." 10 A high voice? No adult man in this world has a higher voice than Michael Jackson! This voice is described as making the hairs on the back of poor, old Frank Bryce's neck stand up: "[...]a second voice. This too belonged to a man”but it was strangely high-pitched." 11 Surely this cannot be a coincidence.
The Gloved One
Most people are aware of his flashy stage presence and his unique fashion sense, but Jackson's most famous accessory in history is his one silver glove. Voldemort left a major clue to his actual identity when he graciously bestowed this trademark on his servant, Wormtail ’ one new, silver hand! It is described as:
a gleaming replica of a human hand, bright as moonlight ... stared in disbelief at the silver hand, now attached seamlessly to his arm, as though he were wearing a dazzling glove.12
When Peter Pettigrew found Voldemort, he was lurking in the forests of Albania. This leads us to yet another crucial piece of the puzzle. Rowling is so fond of wordplay, she has left us another one of her famous anagrams: Michael Jackson = I am John Cackles! John Cackles, of course, is believed to be the name on Voldemort's Albanian passport. 13 Scary how it's all beginning to fit together.
I Wanna Rock With You
When we look at Michael Jackson's body of music, the fact that he is truly Lord Voldemort becomes painfully clear. The Funky Lord himself has provided us with all the proof we need, albeit coated in the guise of infectious, rhythm-and-blues-driven pop.
For starters, his hit song entitled, "You're Just Another Part of Me" may have seemed innocuous several years ago when it was popular. Yet the release of Half-Blood Prince shed light on the real message of this tune: it is obviously a frightening hint that Harry may be the sixth Horcrux! Furthermore, wouldn't it be just like You-Know-Who to have albums called Bad, Dangerous and Invincible?
However, the most chilling clues are found in the lyrics of Jackson's own hit songs:
"Bad"
I'm bad, I'm bad ’ Come on
(Bad bad ’ really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad ’ You know it
(Bad bad ’ really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad ’ Come on, you know.
(Bad bad ’ really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again, who's bad
Is he just taunting us with this obvious confession?
"Unbreakable"
Now I'm just wondering why you think
That you can get to me with anything
Seems like you'd know by now
When and how I get down and with all that
I've been through, I'm still around
Is this another reference to his Horcruxes?
"Smooth Criminal"
As he came into the window
It was the sound of a crescendo
He came into her apartment
He left the bloodstains on the carpet
She ran underneath the table
He could see she was unable
So she ran into the bedroom
She was struck down, it was her doom
This may be the most blood-curdling confession of all ¦ a graphic retelling of Lily's murder that night at Godric's Hollow!
Perhaps the most evil clue can be found in one telling lyric within the Jackson-composed song "We Are the World" ’ a tune ostensibly written to help starving children in Africa:
There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand
"Lend a hand" to "people dying"! How could the world be so foolish as to overlook this fiendish scheme? Obviously, Lord Jackomort was using this catchy pop ballad to persuade the population to help him murder Muggle-borns. The most insidious part is that the Dark Lord was able to recruit well-meaning celebrities such as Lionel Ritchie, Paul Simon and Tina Turner to aid him in his twisted plot. As we learned by his senseless killing of Cedric Diggory, the man has no regard for innocent lives.
In addition to all of the blatant threats and sinister hints within Jackson's song lyrics, his tunes are also peppered with self-satisfied excuses for his evil deeds:
"I Can't Help It"
I can't help it if I wanted to
I wouldn't help it even if I could
I can't help it if I wanted to
I wouldn't help it, no
"Human Nature"
If they say
Why, why, tell ˜em that it's human nature
Why, why, does he do me that way
If they say
Why, why, tell ˜em that it's human nature
Why, why, does he do me that way?
Voldemort's ego truly knows no bounds! In these songs, he is actually attempting to justify his diabolical lifestyle. He can't help killing and torturing, it's just human nature. That's what he would like us to believe, isn't it?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Ranch?
Way back in the very first Harry Potter book, Voldemort provides an early clue when he says "there have always been those willing to let me into their hearts and minds." 14 This is certainly something the King of Pop could claim also, since he has sold hundreds of millions of records, and is still beloved all over the world! But how can so many people remain devoted to him and his music despite his malevolent alterego, Lord Voldemort? We all know that Jackson has been tried and acquitted of any wrongdoing. How could he have been let off the hook so easily? The answer is simple: he was tried by a jury of his peers. Who are Voldemort's peers? The Death Eaters, of course! 15 Naturally the likes of Malfoy, Lestrange and Goyle would not convict their ruthless leader, so the Dark Lord is still at large.
The final shred of evidence lies in the odd fact that we never read about Voldemort's residence. Even malevolent wizards have to have homes. Voldemort must live someplace, and it must be quite grand; think of all the power and wealth he amassed during his reign of terror in the late seventies/early eighties (strikingly, the same era in which Jackson reigned supreme). Why do we not hear of his estate? Because this would give it away: it's the Neverland Ranch!
This clue also reveals the location for the elusive final Deathly Hallows battle. It will not take place in Godric's Hollow, but on the hallowed ground of the infamous ranch. Based on this ominous revelation, one can only imagine what horrors await our young Harry at The Dark Lord of Pop's theme park-style abode. Let's hope Harry will triumph over his Bad, Dangerous, and Invincible nemesis once and for all!
Notes
1. Rowling, Half-Blood Prince, 430.
2. Ibid., 575.
3. Wikipedia, s.v. "Ben (Song)."
4. Ibid., Sorcerer's Stone, 293
5. Ibid., Goblet of Fire, 643.
6. Ibid., Half-Blood Prince, 441.
7. Ibid., 269, 432, 434.
8. Floman, "Thriller" album review.
9. Rowling, Half-Blood Prince, 441.
10. Ibid., Goblet of Fire, 643.
11. Ibid., 7.
12. Ibid., 649.
13. Woodwand and Bernstake, "Voldemort's Vacation Plans Revealed."
14. Rowling, Sorcerer's Stone, 293.
15. This idea was first noted by Prongs Patronus in post #7 of "Dark Lord of Pop: Jackson Is Voldemort."
Bibliography
Floman, Scott. "Michael Jackson: Thriller." Scott's Rock and Soul Album Reviews. http://www.geocities.com/sfloman/michaeljackson.html (accessed 27 March 2007).
Jackson, Michael. "Bad." Performed by Michael Jackson. Epic Records, 1987.
”””. "Smooth Criminal." Performed by Michael Jackson. Epic Records, 1987.
Jackson, Michael, Rodney Jerkins, Fred Jerkins III, LaShawn Daniels, Nora Payne and Robert Smith. "Unbreakable." Performed by Michael Jackson. Epic Records, 2001.
Jackson, Michael and Lionel Ritchie. "We Are the World." Performed by USA for Africa. Columbia Records, 1985.
Porcaro, Steve and John Bettis. "Human Nature." Performed by Michael Jackson. Epic Records, 1983.
Prongs Patronus. Comment on "Dark Lord of Pop: Jackson is Voldemort." Leaky Lounge: Wizarding Wireless Network. September 12, 2005. http://www.leakylounge.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=15885&view=findpost&p=434578 (accessed 27 March 2007).
Rowling, J.K. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. New York: Scholastic Press, Arthur A. Levine Books, 2000.
”””. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. New York: Scholastic Press, Arthur A. Levine Books, 2005.
”””. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. New York: Scholastic Press, Arthur A. Levine Books, 1999.
”””. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. New York: Scholastic Press, Arthur A. Levine Books, 1998.
Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia. "Ben (song)." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_(song) (accessed 27 March 2007).
Wonder, Stevie and Susaye Greene-Browne. "I Can't Help It." Performed by Michael Jackson. Epic Records, 1979.
Woodwand, Bob and Carl Bernstake. "Voldemort's Vacation Plans Revealed." Article published in The Madurodam Post, 6 June 1991.
